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Question

It seems like my husband and I are rarely interested in sex at the same time. How can be get our "desire watches" synchronized?

Answer

Sexual desire problems are being called the "common cold of the 90's." We live in such hectic times with both partners working, child rearing demands, aging parents, cooking, cleaning--you get the picture. So the first step to synchronizing your "desire watches" is for you and your husband to take inventory to find the external and internal forces derailing you two. Is it an overcrowded schedule? Intrusions from the kids? Are there pent up resentments with each other--especially about distribution of breadwinning and housekeeping responsibilities? Is pleasure alien or an inalienable right? Does lovemaking become a performance for either or both of you? Do you have concerns about your own or your partner's attractiveness? Is criticism eating away at affection and playfulness? Any of these situations can throw desire off kilter and make "later" more attractive than "now."

Then make some decisions--because in these fast-paced 90's getting together takes some planning. Can you go to bed earlier or get up earlier? How about babysitting--can you hire one or trade weekends with a friend? Take turns orchestrating lovemaking sessions, planning the special details and then talk, talk, talk--the sexier the better. Let each other know how desirable you find each other with looks, touch, and tone as well as words throughout the day so those feelings can simmer. If the relationship is basically solid these hints should start to bring those big and little hands into alignment as they count down to love.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.