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Question

My wife and I have great sex, but we want to try some different positions that are arousing for both of us whether together or separately, do you know of any books or web sites that would give us some ideas?

Answer

I hear that you and your wife have a good sexual relationship and just want to keep it hot by adding a little spice in the form of some different positions. This is a common question but different positions is only one small way to be working on a sexual enrichment process that will keep your love life vital for the next 50 years.

There are at least four other areas that I would hope you are aware of in addition to positions that will help you maximize your sexual potential:

1. Challenging the intercourse focus-there are a number of alternate forms of stimulation that can be sexually fulfilling and fun besides intercourse. Some people confine these to an appetizer but intermittently ordering them up for the main course can be a refreshing change.

2. Increasing intensity via external means (i.e., variety)-this is the category in which I would include your question. However different positions is only one form of variety. A few others could include places (keeping sex in bed is terribly restrictive, try your friends bathroom during the next big party!) , accessories (sexual toys, lingerie, creams and lotions, videos and other forms of erotica, etc.), and allowing smaller parts of your sexual drive to surface from time to time-e.g., any voyeuristic or exhibitionistic tendencies can be explored through the strategic placement of mirrors, one person masturbating in front of the other, or a little home movie action with your camcorder (be very careful with the tapes and make sure you don't accidentally substitute them with the family preview of your Cape Cod trip).

3. Increasing intensity via internal means-the 70's and 80's brought an explosion of attention and focus on increasing sexual pleasure through external/physical means (see above). The 90's have started to focus on putting the love back into lovemaking. The media still has not fully picked up on this shift in the sexuality field but a tremendous amount of intensity of a different sort is possible in a more intimate relationship. Think about the difference between sex with a prostitute or someone you don't care about versus sex on your honeymoon or when trying to conceive your child. Some believe that pushing the boundaries on intimacy, self-disclosure, and expressions of love can enable a person to tap into parts of themselves that no physical activity alone could hope to reach. Two simple exercises to start you down this road.

First, each of you be ready to talk for approximately 30 minutes on something in your early life that you still feel some vulnerability and emotion around (the other person needs to be interested, empathic, and supportive for this not to turn into a fiasco).
Next try to maintain eye contact while being sexual-it sounds easy but often produces too much intimacy and discomfort, and without practice people will close their eyes or look away).

4. Sharing of fantasies-this is advanced stuff - You need to have some of number 3 firmly in place before attempting this. Also before starting you want to be sure to have the groundrules explicitly stated. For example, no criticism or ridiculing anything a person says (also no using this as fodder for jokes or anger later). Remember this is just a sharing of fantasies and does not mean that in reality you want to-have sex with Sharon Stone (or your neighbor), be tied up, have a homosexual relationship or a three-some, dress up in your wife's underwear, etc.

Now that you have been patient, I'll give you a few specific suggestions on where to get information on sexual positions. First, there are numerous self-help books in the Sexuality section of any bookstore, I may be old and boring but I still like Alex Comfort's Joy of Sex. In your question you also missed one of the newest and most powerful of sexual education tools of the 90's, videos. Today they are inexpensive, easy to watch and mailed discreetly direct to your door.

Two places that have big supplies are: The Sinclair Institute at 1-800-955-0888 where you can find "Sexual Positions for Lovers" or the three part series "Ordinary Couples, Extraordinary Sex" (well-done and my recommendation).

The other is from the organization Sex Over 40 at 1800-285-0444 where they have "Sexual Positions for Lovers Beyond the Missionary Position". You can also request a catalogue of many, more selections to fit whatever taste or interest you want to explore further. Finally, since I know you are a loyal follower of our column I will let you know that there is indeed competition and alas, ours is not the only Internet site with sexual information. Another site that has specific information on positions is Ask Kim at http://www.regsex.com/askkim.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.