Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am a 36 year old woman married for 12 years and I love my husband very much. Around half the time my husband and I make love it hurts. I don't think I am lubricated enough, even though I feel excited. Is this possible? Is there something wrong with me, my husband, or our sex life? I am starting to get nervous during sex and find myself avoiding it more and more.

Answer

Still loving your husband after 12 years sounds like you are both doing some things right. But the anxiety you describe sure sounds like it can detract from the fun and flow of your love making. While your situation does sound upsetting we don't think that there is anything wrong with you, your husband, or your sex life that your friendly Sex Doctors can't help you with.

There are a couple of things to keep in mind. First, women lubricate different amounts at different times due to a number of different factors (like where they are in their menstrual cycle). Remember, although lubrication is definitely correlated with sexual arousal, either one can, and does, occur without the other. You also want to be sure that both you and your husband realize that there is more to foreplay than a little kissing or him taking off his clothes -- no matter how exciting he thinks he is. Especially after 12 years you want to realize that you *both* may need more physical stimulation of the right kind and duration prior to intercourse. So you might want to arrange some times to explore and experiment with your ever-so-subtly changing arousal needs.

Also, we do live in the 90s and there is nothing wrong with giving Mother Nature a little extra help. Get yourselves a good personal lubricant. It needs to be sterile, water-based, and very slippery (one that is popular, relatively inexpensive, and widely available is called Astroglide). Use it *every* time you have sexual activity. Don't wait to see how much you lubricate on your own because, like watching for the proverbial pot to boil, you can become frustrated or anxious again. Just make it a regular part of your love making and we think you'll see a difference in short order.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.