QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Sex & Lust Department
Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health
information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement
for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the
column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position
of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.
Question
When my wife and I bought a new house she complained that I
wasn't paying enough attention to her. I have tried to improve and have succeeded to some
extent. A short time ago I noticed that she was avoiding me. Finally, she told me she
slept with someone else. We talked about and decided we want to stay together. What can I
do to make her fall in love with me again? You are the only place I can get help without
her knowing it. Answer
It could be that your wife was angry and felt powerless to get you to pay attention
to her. You sure are paying attention now! She might feel that if she doesn't to hold onto
her anger and instead lets things go back to the way they were before, she'll lose your
attention again. You need to really take stock: Do you respect her opinions, seek them out
and take them to heart? Do you make time for her and her alone? You might try setting up
regular times to talk and really be open to hearing each other in non-defensive ways. You
may need to start building ways to feel affection toward each other--maybe starting with
holding hands, sending cards or notes, buying small gifts or doing little favors for each
other. Then gradually build to cuddling, snuggling, nuzzling, massage and eventually
intercourse--always keeping in mind that you are literally MAKING LOVE.
03/18/98
Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose
Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling
and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally
known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He
currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.
Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services
for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital
therapy.
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