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Question

My wife and I focus on intimacy rather than performance while making love but there are just some times that I just don't "get off," especially when she's "done" and no longer excited.

Answer

When partners are in long-term, comfortable relationships they can easily slip into patterns of love making that work well for long stretches and then, inexplicably, don't. While it is certainly a natural part of lovemaking to take cues from our partner's arousal to heighten our own, sometimes we can over-rely on that feedback.

In addition, as men and women march on toward middle age and beyond their overall drives for orgasm lessen. However, the appreciation of sensuous pleasure lingers. This is normal and inevitable and can greatly enhance the sense of intimacy that partners share.

So the Cyberspace Sex Docs recommend another shift in focus as you and your wife march into this next phase of sexual delight: make pleasure the goal rather than orgasm by having fewer "eyes right" to your spouse and more "eyes inward" to your own pleasure responses.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.