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Question

Are my fantasies unfair? I have fantasies about threesomes and my wife doesn't want to hear about them and says I'm not normal. Is this likely to hurt my relationship with her?

Answer

Oh, Fantasy, Fantasy, how you do get us into, and keep us out of, trouble.

Your question raises some interesting points. Fantasy in and of itself is hard to label but, easy for others and ourselves to judge, as good/bad, right/wrong and fair/unfair. Fantasy certainly plays a key role in sexual arousal and can even be thought of as an aphrodiasiac of the mind. As Jack Morin discusses in his book, The Erotic Mind, part of what makes our fantasies so intense is that they often contain elements of yearning, breaking the rules, being powerful and powerless, and overcoming ambivalence.

In other words, we imagine ourselves in situations and with partners behaving in ways that are not typical for us. It is this tension that gives the fantasy its charge. Morin conducted a survey of 351 adult college undergrad and graduate students, as well as members of social and professional organizations and found that 25% of women and 43% of men in this sample had favorite fantasies which included two or more partners. So whether your fantasy is "normal" or not, at least among this sample you would not be alone.

What is more concerning, it seems, is how unsafe you feel to talk openly with your wife about your turn on and how your discussion of it is perceived as threatening and potentially damaging to your relationship. Perhaps during a nonsexual talk-time you could bring up how fantasies are a way of charging your sex drive and that if something feels uncomfortable in fantasy or reality each of you can say "no" with the assurance that your need to stop will be heard, respected and not damage your relationship.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.