Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

How do I deal with lusting over my step sister? She is married and does not feel the same way about me. I think about her all the time! She is very pretty and extremely sexy! Do I stay away or just pretend to not have those feelings? I am in a wheelchair and would like to explore her as a lover.

Answer

As you make clear, being in a wheelchair doesn't stop those lusty feelings from pouring through. You don't seem to have any problems accepting that those feelings are real and a part of who you are. But as you point out there are some practical matters--how to handle those powerful urges when the likelihood of their return looks uncertain. A stepsister is usually out of the running as a lover because of the complicated relationships brought about through blended families, especially if you have lived under the same roof for any extended period of time. Add to that the little detail of her having a husband somewhere on the scene and--well, it doesn't look good.

Although they sometimes can feel really intense, just having fantasies doesn't mean you have to act on them. Do you have a trusted friend or family member that you can talk openly to about your sexual concerns? Sometimes just talking about your feelings can validate and normalize them and also ease the intensity of holding onto a secret in isolation. How about widening your social circle so you might find a more appropriate--and available--partner? Then you might re-direct some of that highly charged energy and find a receptive audience for your lusty impulses.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.