The National Victims of Crime Resource Center surveyed 50,000 households to obtain their estimate of 485,290 rapes and sexual assaults in 1993. Sexual assault is the forgotten violent crime. Other studies find that only 10 percent of rapes are reported and a small percent of those are successfully prosecuted. Additional data from the National Victim Center and Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center shows that 12.1 million American women report having been forcibly raped at least once. In a majority of these cases, the perpetrator was known to the victim. In fact, in the 1993 report, the percentage of those known to the victim was 74.2 percent. This report also states that in 1992, over 55,000 American women were raped each month -- over 1800 women per day.

Victims can be a 50 year old woman who asked the man next door to repair her toaster, or a single 35-year-old office worker who got a ride home with a colleague (Lewin, 1991). Such types of rapes have been around for a long time; the Old Testament (2 Sam. 13:1-15) describes an acquaintance rape committed by Amnon, son of King David. The term date rape was first used in a September, 1982 article in Ms. Magazine.

While rape is fully the responsibility of the perpetrator, the following guidelines are intended to reduce the possibility of confusion, increase one's personal safety and reduce the risk of being accused of rape.

Some Guidelines for Her and Him

Guidelines for women:

1. Passivity, submissiveness and coyness can be dangerous, and may create an atmosphere of sexual aggression.
2. At all times: be aware of your sexual boundaries, how far you feel comfortable going with the man you are with.
3. Be aware of specific situations in which you don't feel safe and relaxed.
4. Trust your gut feelings.
5. Be aware of stereotypes which prevent you from self-expression, such as "anger isn't feminine," or "being assertive isn't feminine."
6. Make sure your date knows and respects your feelings about "no" meaning "no."
7. Know where to stop aggressive behavior.
8. Remember that alcohol and/or drugs are involved in a large percentage of acquaintance rapes.
9. Learn and practice assertive, honest communication skills with the men you date.

Guidelines for men:

1. Do not objectify women. See them as people with feelings.
2. Learn to respect women's sexual boundaries.
3. Pay attention to a woman's body language as well as to what she is saying (e.g., if she stiffens up, she is probably not comfortable with how far you are going).
4. Be self aware. Know when you are starting to cross the line.
5. Even if you have always believed that women sometimes say "no" when they mean "yes," always act as if "no" means "no."
6. It's never OK to force yourself on a woman, even if you think that she has been teasing and leading you on.
7. Remember that alcohol and/or drugs are involved in the majority of acquaintance rape.
8. Support women you date in being assertive and honest, not passive and coy.

4/15/98

Connie Saindon, M.A., MFT, has been a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist since 1979. In addition to providing services for Individuals, couples and families, Ms. Saindon is among the few specialists in the field of violent death bereavement. Founder the Survivors of Violent Death Program and volunteer faculty at the University of California Medical School Department of Psychiatry, she is author of The Journey, Violent Death Bereavement: Adult Survivors Workbook and contributing author of Violent Death: Resilience and Intervention beyond the Crisis. To reach her, please see this page.