What's your first thought when you read the word "anger"? Frustration? Yelling? Violence? Avoidance? Out of Control? These are typical audience responses. Why so many negative associations? Try this question: Did you grow up in a family where it felt safe and secure expressing your angry feelings? How about when you were the target of other family members' anger? Does "safe and secure" come to mind or, more likely, feelings of fear, shame and "Oh, shit!"? (If "deep doodoo" comes to mind, I'm sorry, it wasn't that rough.)

When I ask these "family anger" questions to 50-100 workshop participants, less than a handful respond on the "safe" side. Of course, seeing the isolated hands, I observe, "About the same number of people who show up for the annual 'Adult Children of Normal Parents Convention.'" Based on my personal and professional experience, I suspect not many folks have had good anger role models.

Well, let's get personal. How do you rate on "The Stress Doc's Seven Self-Defeating Styles of Anger" Index? We'll begin with three:

1. Plan to Get Even. When you've been unfairly treated or criticized (or, at least, feel you've been) do your eyes widen; perhaps, you have a ghoulish grin? Endorphins have nothing on the biochemical rush as you plot revenge! Bring on the costarring role in Nightmare on Elm Street Part XIX? Or do you simply and stealthily retaliate through gossip and innuendo? Perhaps you're into prevention: "Screw it to others before they can even think about screwing it to you!"

2. Consuming Anger. Do you try drinking or eating your anger away or is it so consuming it's eating away at you? Maybe you try controlling your hurt and rage through pseudo saintliness or by spouting artificial affirmations - fast food for thought - instead of compulsive eating? If so, these lines from "The Self-Righteous Rap" may strike a chord:

Are you a martyr in self-imposed prison? Denying your needs becomes "heaven's vision." When you've been hurt you just quietly pray But wish you could scream: "Go ahead...Make my day!"

3. Intellectual Intimidation. "Oh, you don't really believe that, do you?" "What's wrong with you?" "You should have done it this way." "You are so disappointing to me!" (Restrain me, please.) Know any one who is into "acc-you-sations"? Are you a "blameaholic"? The intellectual bully's techniques range from finely judgmental observations to condescending characterizations. Probably a graduate from "The Institute for the Compassion-Impaired." There's a competitive edge to the aggressor that's often a cover for self-doubt or a win-lose, dominant-submissive survival strategy. As I once penned:

When battling for position you won't stop 'Cause you know your place -- you're always on top!

"Competition vs. Compassion" reminds me of a "dueling egos" exchange with my younger brother -- a research psychologist, not a therapist. One day, I was telling Larry about some difficult work I had done with a family, some family interventions that I thought were both creative and effective. Upon hearing my description, my brother piped in, "You should have said such and such to the father." I was struck by the witty but pretty insensitive suggestion, and grimaced. Seeing my expression my brother quickly pounced, "What's the matter, you afraid the father would punch you out?" At this point I counter punched. "No, I have a higher standard of plagiarism!" (Definitely a graduate of that Compassion-Impaired Institute. Just kidding, lil' bro.)

Next time, I'll provide two more of the "The Seven Self-Defeating Styles of Anger."
So stay tuned...or else ;-).

Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

4/26/98

Mark Gorkin is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, speaker, trainer and "Online Psychohumorist," known throughout the web, AOL, and the nation as "The Stress Doc." Specialty areas: organizational change and conflict, team building, creativity and humor. (1616 18th Street, NW #312, Washington, DC 20009-2530, (202) 232-8662).