Many people need help in managing their families of origin. From adult children of alcoholics to adult children of parents who love too much, many of us in the sandwich generation become overwhelmed with the task of managing our extended families. Here are some simple rules for turning family feuds into family fun. Symptoms of the family feud include depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, difficulty eating, sadness, confusion and rage.

Death and taxes are inevitabilities. So are family feuds. Do we face these problems head on, or are we better served by artful dodging? The 1970s and1980s were dubbed The Me Decade and The Greed Decade due to a pronounced emphasis on individuality and material possessions. For better or worse, psychotherapy of the era followed suit. Self-discovery soon gave way to a marked increase in self-absorption. Self-expression led to a level of self-disclosure which was anything but diplomatic. Small wonder that the family unit began to erode as we began our quest for Self.

Psychotherapists helped to perpetrate this trend; many of us encouraged people to be brutally honest with ourselves and with family members. The presiding credo of therapy at the time seemed to be: If you can't be brutally honest, don't say anything at all. We therapists followed this rule, sometimes to a fault, imploring patients to be assertive, confrontational and confessional.

Family dynamics are, at best, a tinderbox situation. Brutal honesty lights the fuse that fires the flames. The types of common-sense skills, which allow families to interact peaceably, were jettisoned; this was all-out war in the name of self-healing. Resentments expressed turn into bonfires of rage, shattering children and adults in its uncontrollable path. Minds become cluttered with alternating fantasies of revenge and reunion.

How do these problems develop?
Separation and individuation are normal and healthy phases of infancy psychological processes, which are begun in the second year of life and are reworked throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Separation relates to personal autonomy, independence, self assertion, and freedom of choice. It is characterized in early childhood by the use of the word "NO". When a 2 year old says "NO" to his or her mother he or she is exercising his inborn strivings to separate from the mother.

Individuation relates to identity, uniqueness, having your own interests, points of view , interests, likes and dislikes. It is characterized in early childhood by the words "ME" and "MINE." It is also an inborn striving for children and like separation can either be aided and fostered by parents or thwarted and considered BAD by parents. Dysfunctional families need to punish both these struggles in their children. Often those who choose separation and individuation are seen as traitors to the family. Autonomy and health are seen in these families as moving too far away. Individuation, that is having your own identity point of view, is also seen by these families as criminal and rejecting of them. I have often seen shocking rejection of people who have become sober by their families of origin. They are treated as rejecting and abandoning by families who have a hard time with separation or they are treated as if they are devaluing and degrading of their families by families who have greater difficulty with individuation. This is unfortunately what happens when the ties that bind are the ties that strangle.

References:

Hartman, H. Ego Psychology and the Problem of Adadptation. New York: International Universities Press, 1939-1958.

Mahler, Margaret S. On Human Symbiosis and the Vicissitudes of Individuation New York: International Universities Press, 1968.

Mark Sichel is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker practicing psychotherapy in New York City since 1980. Mark lives in Manhattan with his wife Cindy Kasovitz Sichel, who is also a psychotherapist. He is the father of four children.

08/16/00