by Ron Huxley, LMFT

Fathers have been called a "biological necessity, but a social accident." Some call us "dead beats" or "good for nothing." Given the problem society has had with absent fathers (emotionally and physically) I can see why. But not every one sees fathers as second-rate parents. More positive descriptions include: "protector, supporter, provider and even nurturer."

Way back in the Garden of Eden, man and woman were commanded to share the parenting responsibilities and be joint caretakers of their family. When God said "to be fruitful and multiply" he wasn't speaking only to the man and directing him to be "biological necessity" for reproduction. He has a part to play in the family. A very important one. Unfortunately, many children today only get to experience one side of that divine commandment as seen in the single parent statistical climb.

Daddy Hunger

The fallout of this reality, for children, is "daddy hunger." I see this everyday in my practice as a child therapist. Daddy hunger refers to unconscious craving of a child for male connection. Unfortunately, as the song about "finding love in all the wrong places" says, children may try and feed that hunger in unhealthy ways. And when they do get attention in unhealthy ways, they are left feeling as hungry, if not more, than before. What they got wasn't true fathering.

Fatherless children and children of abusive fathers, want a positive relationship with a man. In fact, they need it to become capable parents themselves some day. It is hard to parent when you haven't had good examples in your life. That's why some of the best therapy I have done has nothing to do with my clinical wizardry. It simply has to do with the fact that I am male. Even some women, who have had terrible relationships with men, come to see me because I am male. If they are sincere, they can work on some very important relationship issues with me, by virtue of my being male, that they might not be able to do with a woman therapist.

In addition to acting as a healthy dad-object to my child clients, I take pride in being a dad to my own children. Being a dad is one of the toughest and most rewarding jobs I have experienced. I should know. I have been a traditional two-parent father, divorced father, single father, and now a stepfather of four hormone raging, brain cell disappearing, teenage children. That's right, four at one time. The key to keeping my sanity is commitment. If I went with my emotions -- well, let's just say that it wouldn't be a pretty picture. Maybe that is why so many dads are absent, emotionally or physically. They don't know how to handle their emotions. Or they think that parenting is about handling their emotions. Either way, you are bound to lose, regardless of your gender.

Concrete Commitment

Parenting is a choice. I choose to love my children, biological and non-biological. To be a family man, a profession of commitment must be made to your partner and your children. And I mean it in that order. Partner first. Children second. And this goes double for step or blended families. I know it's not what you have been told but don't believe everything you hear (except from me, of course). In nontraditional families parents tend to lean in the direction of their biological children. It's like a magnet; formed at the moment you witnessed their birth, that pulls you together. Acknowledge that pull as healthy but don't let it pull you apart from your partner. That is not healthy.

Children are concrete thinkers. They need to see, hear, feel your commitment. Write it on a certificate and stick it on the refrigerator door along with the grocery list and the daily artwork. Talk about it at the dinner table. Show it in your willingness to show up at their school play or go on the bus for the school field trip. This can be hard for children of divorce or abusive homes to trust. And it can be hard to say or do. Get a drink of water to clear your throat. Practice it in front of the mirror. Write in on your hand. Do whatever it takes, but say it, with words and actions. After a while, sometimes a long while, even the most hurting kids will believe it.

A Good Question

A reporter recently asked fathers an important question, on a fathers' online discussion list, of which I am a member. He wanted to know what we thought was the biggest change for fathers in the last 100 years. Well, that's a big question but I wrote back that a revolution is taking place in society around the concept of fathering. Fathers are tearing down stereotyped images of fatherhood. Some are doing this in a very proactive, legislative fashion. Others, the quiet majority, are simply doing what God asked them to do way back when. Be involved.

Father's roles are changing. Many dads are staying home and taking care of the children while mom works. Many are becoming single dads and fighting for time with their children instead of giving up and the courts are staring to listen. Others are taking advantage of the new technology to work at home to be more involved. And some corporations are allowing dads to work more flexible hours so fathers can see their child dressed up as a shepherd, in the Christmas play. That's why I think my rally cry for fathers in the new millennium will be: "Be committed. Be involved. Be a social necessity." In other words, be a family man!

References:

Shapiro, Jerrold L."The Measure of a Man: Becoming the Father You Wish Your Father Had Been." New York: Perigee Book. 1993
Huxley, Ronald "Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting." San Diego: Singular Publishing Group, Inc. 1998

About the Author:

Ron Huxley, LMFT is a licensed child therapist and the author of the book, "Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting." His articles have appeared in numerous online magazines.