Link to Part 1 of Cyberpals/ Cyberlove

Whether you are the snootiest of intellectuals or the earthiest of basic folks, or anything in between, there is a family for you online. Within days, perhaps minutes you will be able to find a cybersoulmate or two. Ask and you shall receive.

This feeling of family/community is perhaps the most powerful attraction of all. We may call ourselves a community, but the truth is we are a loosely connected network of small clusters of people, or individuals whose only commonality is that we are 1: gay/ /etc. 2: outside the mainstream heterosexual majority. Community is the organizing system that protects us. Online there are real voices, real names of real people, serious discussions of important issues. It's also playful, flirtatious and often raucous. In other words, it is a community, a gathering of people who come back day after day to participate in the headiest or most trivial of discussions with others in the community.

Time is compressed. This community costs money.

Small talk is limited, unless that's all one intends to do in the first place. Everything seems more intense. Words are compressed, feelings can be very open, and connections are made with more ease than in 3D. People who make strong attachments online learn to love/connect from the inside out, from the basic self, not from a persona that society has constructed.

Do you want to check out someone you've met online?

Most people have profiles where you can get some a: basic data, or b: a feel for what they might be like, lacking vital statistics. This can be totally fictitious, of course, but often reveals much about a person by virtue of the chosen fiction. You can also watch them interact with others in groups, discussions, or chat rooms. You don't often get that opportunity IRT. Does the person listen? Is she rude? Critical? Sensitive? Respectful?

Now, this is all positive so far, but that's not the big picture. There are big down sides of online connections.

First, we are all just as vulnerable to mistakes in relationships online as we are in 3D. The same rules apply. We can pick the people most likely to hurt us just as easily online as off. Chemistry, across a crowded chat room, is just as powerful as across any other room. The equation goes something like this: The more powerful the chemistry, the more dangerous the situation/person. When it comes to chemistry, a little goes a long way. Finding your soul mate after two days is a bad sign.

When there are no visuals, or IRT cues, we all tend to make reality out of fantasy. We create what we want/need. It may have no bearing on reality at all. In addition, the other person(s) may not be as honest or straightforward as we'd like, and we will never know if we've been flim flammed until it's too late. So, if we need someone to be nurturing, we will find nurturing, whether it's there or not.

Some people present selectively, some downright dishonestly. There is no way to check. Talk can be very, very cheap. A few years ago in Denver in a mixed gender workshop with Dr. Warren Farrell, the male expert, the participants were asked to reverse traditional dating roles. By the end of the lunch break, the women were supposed to have "scored." It was amazing how many millionaires, senators, and otherwise very accomplished people were born out of a group of rather ordinary folks, in just a couple of hours. Online lines can be just as embellished, just as seductive, just as phony.

For some people, online connections are a way of being close without being close. Carefully avoiding any of the real work of a relationship/friendship/ , one can say all the right things, mean them temporarily, then shut off the machine and go back to the safety of isolation. Never online does one have to put up with someone else's (or our own) mistakes, broken promises, human failings, bodily functions, messed up priorities or dirty laundry. It can be the illusion of love/palship without any of the responsibilities of the same.

Because the vulnerability factor can be so high in online relationships, the interactions can become extremely intense. Add a communication problem -- that messages carry no tonal qualities or inflections -- the potential for misunderstanding is great. There are the emoticons -- those little sideways smiley/frowny faces [:-) :-(] complete with at least 200 variations.

There is online shorthand--LOL (laughing out loud), ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing), and an equal number of variations. These little embellishments simply aren't as effective as voice and facial expression.

And, since facial/body language feedback is nonexistent, people often feel free to shoot off their mouths in a manner totally foreign to them in 3D. Sometimes the result is a flashback of junior high drama.

Continue with Part III of Cyberpals/Cyberlove

Dr. Pearse is licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Denver. Reprinted with permission from Circles: Celebrating Colorado's Lesbian Community, Volume 1 Number 1.